Another year is about to end and we have a brand new one on the horizon. I love the idea of the month of Elul and the lead up to Rosh Hashanah. While the Gregorian new year (AKA the normal one) focuses on resolutions, Jewish tradition guides us delve deep into reflection of the past year, of ourselves and our souls and hearts. What we did right, what could we do better, what are opportunities for growth in the next year.
Working for a Jewish organization, it may not be so ironic that I've been spending this month doing evaluations. I've had my annual (though first since I've been there) evaluation, and we've evaluated my department, different programs, programs across departments, and they aren't going to stop anytime soon. It's been long and tiring, but really great to dig in so far and take a good hard look at what you are doing and how you are doing it. Of course, I am able to do this with people I trust so much that is almost impossible to be defensive. I can't communicate how much of a gift that is: I crave feedback because I know everyone I work with only wants me to grow.
While I am fortunate to be able to do this in my work life, how deep do we really go when looking into ourselves? Are we afraid of our worst critics, ourselves? Can we look inside ourselves without judgment, trusting that we really only want to help ourselves to improve or to grow? It's hard. I know I'm my own worst critic, and I can be downright mean and nasty. But I've also seen where I've been in life, how far I've come, and how I've moved through trying times, and I allow myself to be in awe. Life is hard, and even while it seems that most of the time we suck at it, in reality, we really are rocking it.
As an exercise for the new year, I've taken a look at some questions posted on Aish.com. I've only answered a handful here, but it's a great way to get you in the mindset of self-reflection in a gentle, loving way. You can find the whole list at http://www.aish.com/h/hh/gar/sa/20_Questions_for_the_New_Year.html.
When do I most feel that my life is meaningful?My life is most meaningful when I am with people that I love. Mostly my family and friends, and my friends who are family, but also my mentors and people I respect.
What would bring me more happiness than anything else in the world?Knowing that I've made a true and lasting impact on my community, and that I've changed people's lives in some way for the better.
What are my three most significant achievements in the past year?1. Making an impact at work, and growing into someone who is respected and holds her own.
2. Crossing the ocean to be there for a friend's wedding. How many people can say that they've done that?
3. Taking my ballet class, really doing something for myself that brings me back to a person I used to be.
What are my biggest mistakes in the past year?1. Being lazy and/or avoidant, especially when it comes to difficult things at work.
2. Not being a stronger authority figure when necessary.
3. Not taking control of situations and changing them because I was too afraid of the work/the pushback/the emotional toll.
Over the last year, did my most important relationships become closer and deeper, or was there a sense of stagnation and drifting? Relationships always ebb and flow. Some of my relationships have grown strong roots, so much so that I can't imagine becoming un-intertwined. Some of my relationships have faded into the background a little bit. I feel like there is always a revolving door of people who are in your life when you need them to be.
What can I do to nurture those relationships this year?I'm not going to shy away from telling people what I need from them, because no matter how much we care about others, people think about themselves most of the time. I'm also not going to be shy about letting someone know that they are special to me. How many times do we really hear that? Would we ever want someone to not say it?
If I could change only one thing about myself, what would it be?I would be more assertive and confident.
Are there any ideals I would be willing to die for?I honestly don't know that I would die for an idea when the shit came down. I don't know if I'm that strong. But I definitely would for a family member or friend. In a heartbeat.
If I could live my life over, what would I change?I would take more risks, especially when it came to people and opportunities. It's so easy to fear rejection especially when you are young. Those missed opportunities I think of are bittersweet.
Wishing everyone a Happy and Sweet New Year.
!!שנה טובה ומתוקה
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