Sweet Year: שנה מתוקה

Another year is about to end and we have a brand new one on the horizon. I love the idea of the month of Elul and the lead up to Rosh Hashanah. While the Gregorian new year (AKA the normal one) focuses on resolutions, Jewish tradition guides us delve deep into reflection of the past year, of ourselves and our souls and hearts. What we did right, what could we do better, what are opportunities for growth in the next year.

Working for a Jewish organization, it may not be so ironic that I've been spending this month doing evaluations. I've had my annual (though first since I've been there) evaluation, and we've evaluated my department, different programs, programs across departments, and they aren't going to stop anytime soon. It's been long and tiring, but really great to dig in so far and take a good hard look at what you are doing and how you are doing it. Of course, I am able to do this with people I trust so much that is almost impossible to be defensive. I can't communicate how much of a gift that is: I crave feedback because I know everyone I work with only wants me to grow.

While I am fortunate to be able to do this in my work life, how deep do we really go when looking into ourselves? Are we afraid of our worst critics, ourselves? Can we look inside ourselves without judgment, trusting that we really only want to help ourselves to improve or to grow? It's hard. I know I'm my own worst critic, and I can be downright mean and nasty. But I've also seen where I've been in life, how far I've come, and how I've moved through trying times, and I allow myself to be in awe. Life is hard, and even while it seems that most of the time we suck at it, in reality, we really are rocking it.

As an exercise for the new year, I've taken a look at some questions posted on Aish.com. I've only answered a handful here, but it's a great way to get you in the mindset of self-reflection in a gentle, loving way. You can find the whole list at http://www.aish.com/h/hh/gar/sa/20_Questions_for_the_New_Year.html.


When do I most feel that my life is meaningful?My life is most meaningful when I am with people that I love. Mostly my family and friends, and my friends who are family, but also my mentors and people I respect.

What would bring me more happiness than anything else in the world?Knowing that I've made a true and lasting impact on my community, and that I've changed people's lives in some way for the better.

What are my three most significant achievements in the past year?1. Making an impact at work, and growing into someone who is respected and holds her own.
2. Crossing the ocean to be there for a friend's wedding. How many people can say that they've done that?
3. Taking my ballet class, really doing something for myself that brings me back to a person I used to be.

What are my biggest mistakes in the past year?1. Being lazy and/or avoidant, especially when it comes to difficult things at work.
2. Not being a stronger authority figure when necessary.
3. Not taking control of situations and changing them because I was too afraid of the work/the pushback/the emotional toll.

Over the last year, did my most important relationships become closer and deeper, or was there a sense of stagnation and drifting? Relationships always ebb and flow. Some of my relationships have grown strong roots, so much so that I can't imagine becoming un-intertwined. Some of my relationships have faded into the background a little bit. I feel like there is always a revolving door of people who are in your life when you need them to be.

What can I do to nurture those relationships this year?I'm not going to shy away from telling people what I need from them, because no matter how much we care about others, people think about themselves most of the time. I'm also not going to be shy about letting someone know that they are special to me. How many times do we really hear that? Would we ever want someone to not say it?

If I could change only one thing about myself, what would it be?I would be more assertive and confident.

Are there any ideals I would be willing to die for?I honestly don't know that I would die for an idea when the shit came down. I don't know if I'm that strong. But I definitely would for a family member or friend. In a heartbeat.

If I could live my life over, what would I change?I would take more risks, especially when it came to people and opportunities. It's so easy to fear rejection especially when you are young. Those missed opportunities I think of are bittersweet.


Wishing everyone a Happy and Sweet New Year.
!!שנה טובה ומתוקה

Thoughts about Thirty

This year, I will celebrate my 30th birthday.  While others at my age are terrified at the prospect of being officially "old" (again, not my words), I am immensely excited for this milestone. The middle of my 20s were difficult, and I feel like I am on the upswing. This is truly my time. 

Birthdays also can have many different meanings to different people, which is true in my case, at least for the last half of my life.  Today is the 30th birthday of my dear friend, Emily Joy Owen.  Emmy was not on this earth for nearly enough time, a mere 15 years. She was a bright and vibrant dancing soul, with enthusiasm that could sweep you into any adventure and a hug that could melt any broken heart back together.  I consciously carry her with me every day.  Most days she is both a happy thought in my mind as well a heavy weight in my heart. Along with her birthday, she also features prominently around my birthday: I attended her funeral on the day I turned 15.

Thirty presents me with a devastating math problem  She has now been gone from this world for the same length of time that she was in it. More than that, it is surprising to think that she has now been a memory much longer than she was in my life at all.  Five years of friendship might seem negligible to some, and definitely it is just a blip in the history of time.  I am taken aback when I think that most of the people that I share my life with now don't even know that she was here...they weren't there when she was here or in the early years after she died when it was such a massive, less gentle part of my life.  

At this point, you might be asking, "Why are you sharing something so personal on a new blog?" 

Mostly, because today is her birthday.  And I will shout from the rooftops that such an amazing person was here on this earth, no matter for how short a time.  

But also, for as much as I talk about how excited I am for my 30th, this is something that will always be on my mind and in my heart, and in my new adventures and journeys, I will never forget how brief life can be and how every moment is a gift.  Knowing about Emily will help you to know me better, and I am happy to share.

**I often think about the person she would be today.  Most likely, I think, she would be a teacher.  A part of me hopes, however, that we would have been on our journey of dance/movement therapy together. 

Here's to 2015!

**Welcome to this post. I have always wanted a blog, always said I would do it, and have not followed through. And of course, there is a certain degree of self-consciousness when letting people read my writing that is not academic or overviews of my travels or what I have been up to.  Even though I had two previous posts on this thing, here's a fresh start. I can't promise what it will contain, but I'm assuming my stories, adventures, work, passions, and people (and maybe an opinion or two) will have a chance to have the spotlight.**

2015 was the year my adulthood finally clicked into place. A job that I loved and managed to land by the skin of my teeth in 2014 became my first full time, non-consultant position. I moved into my own, perfect apartment in a blizzard, to which I just excitedly re-upped my lease. I got a beautiful car for the first time after deciding to retire the Sara-Mobile. While my job stresses me out more than one would hope, I finally have that comfort of stability that I have been longing for in the past five and a half years since finishing school, and yet have never been able to obtain. I do my job well and people notice that I do my job well, I have a wonderful work family, I am always learning, and most importantly, I see the impact that I make everyday. However, in this current state of stability, I came to a realization about a third of the way through the year: I am not going to have an ordinary life.

This is not a declaration.  I am not just deciding to be different, thinking that I am too good for ordinary things and people. My whole life, I have striven for ordinary! Yes, I do consider myself the creative, artistic type, but I have always dreamed of a steady job, home, family and kids, and I have always worried that if I don't accomplish these things, I've failed, plain and simple. But while I've been "failing" (my words), I've done some incredible things: things I never thought I would do, or things I would not been able to do if I had achieved my ordinary.

Two years ago, having checked into my hotel in Budapest with snow falling out my window, starting my first adventure in Europe after a rough first few months in Israel, I sat and realized that I had been waiting so long to take off that I didn't realize I was already flying. I was doing and seeing things I never had dreamed of, and would not have been able to do if I hadn't been out of work and unattached. This year, I took my first "adult" trip to Israel to be there for my dear friend's wedding. It's amazing to have a job and be able to take vacation now for my travels, but I know that I wouldn't be here without having thrown myself into the unknown and taken chances when I was "down on my luck" (my words then, not now). I firmly don't believe that everything happens for a reason, but I know that everything that has happened has brought me to this now.

So here is to the year past: though it wasn't all roses and no thorns, it was a great one indeed.  I look forward to seeing where 2016 takes me and my loved ones, and to the adventures that I make for myself.